I’m stuck. 24 posts into this publication, and I’m stuck. I have no idea what to write about, and I feel like I’m screaming into a void. I have three subscribers, and they are all family. Of those three, one reads my posts occasionally—maybe I should skip the Substack post and call or have a beer with them?
It’s Friday at 10 a.m., and my self-imposed deadline of today at Noon is looming, and I don’t have an idea, let alone a draft—because I’m stuck. I’m stuck with this Substack, stuck in my career, and stuck in my guitar playing and songwriting.
In March, I started a career alignment project, and today I feel as lost as I did on day one. I’m still clueless about how I return to a career I abandoned more than a decade ago. How do I do that and sustain my current lifestyle? My guitar playing, songwriting, and recording have ground to a halt. It was bad enough when I was playing the same old things in the same old ways, but now I’m not even doing that. Every time I sit down to “play,” I freeze. My mind locks up. I have no idea what to do. The other day was so bad I started asking AI about practice schedules, the best DAWs, songwriting workflows, etc. I’ve been playing guitar since 1989, and I’ve been recording since the 1990s—I have a fucking Berklee certificate in music production—so I should be able to figure this shit out, but I still can’t decide on a workflow or the tools to support it. I’m still chasing the “best” guitar tone, still chasing the perfect DAW, and lately, the ultimate drum plugin. What the fuck am I doing outside of wasting more time and energy? I might as well quit.
After writing My Internal Time and Energy Filter, I thought I’d follow it up with a post about values, so I reviewed a values document I drafted years ago. According to it, my values are passion, connection, (personal) excellence, and benevolence. Right now, I don’t feel very passionate or connected. I certainly don’t feel like I’m excelling at anything, and after looking up the definition of benevolence, I realized I’m not acting benevolently towards myself. Maybe the problem is I’m not living according to my values? While I strive for excellence in my job, I’m certainly not passionate about it, and I definitely don’t feel connected to it. I enjoy writing this Substack, but I’m not connecting to it—maybe because no one is reading a fucking word I write. Maybe I should go back to journaling, because that’s what this Substack has turned into.
I started this Substack to talk about my struggles with choosing a DAW, amp sims, and the associated struggles of recording and releasing original music. I’ve come full circle—I’m squarely back to struggling to choose a DAW, struggling to choose amp sims and drum plugins—struggling to choose anything and struggling to make sense of it all.
I still feel passionate about playing guitar. I still want to get better. But I feel like I’ve lost my connection—connection with others (something I had when I was teaching) and connection to a purpose. Right now, I have no real purpose for my playing. Why am I continuing to sit down at my desk, pick up a guitar, and do nothing constructive with it? I can’t even answer that question. Is it habit? Am I so locked into a routine of playing that I can’t seem to get out of it? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer—I’m sick of not having answers. All I know right now is that this is post 25, and I have no idea if there will be a 26. 25 seems like a good number to stop on. To keep going, I’d need to uncover a serious connection and purpose, but right now I’m fresh out of both.