Why I Keep Restarting Instead of Finishing

The reason I’m not releasing music is simple. I’m not finishing songs. If nothing is finished, there is nothing to release. Why am I not finishing songs? That’s a bit more complicated.

I can tell you what it’s not. It’s not a lack of knowledge. I have a Master’s Certificate from the Berklee College of Music in music production and guitar. I’ve been playing guitar for more than 30 years. I taught guitar for 15 years, and I have recording experience.

It’s certainly not a lack of gear. I have multiple guitars, audio interfaces, a computer, and all the software I could ever need. It’s not a lack of material. I have five songs ready to record, and a large backlog of lyrics, riffs, etc. It’s not a lack of time. While I have a full-time job, family, friends, and other interests, I have time. It’s not a lack of motivation, inspiration, or even energy. I’m not finishing songs because of my behavior.

I waste the time I have available. I sit down to “record” or “play guitar” without a plan. And without a plan, I default to familiar activities. I might play along with songs to “warm up” and use an amp sim in standalone mode to “dial in a tone” for that song.

Or maybe, I’ll launch whatever DAW is “definitely the one for me” this week, and play along with the scratch track for the song I’m supposed to be recording. I’ll “test” or “dial-in” the perfect amp tone, which usually means launching two, three, or four amp sims to find the perfect Marshall “Plexi” tone. You know, because the one in Helix Native is slightly better than the one in Amplitube, but maybe not quite as good as the TONEX capture, or was it the Neural Amp Modeler capture? But wait, what about the Universal Audio ‘68 Lion? It had this really unique, high-end presence that might cut through the mix and carve that perfect EQ notch for guitar. The next thing I know, the hour I had set aside is over. Nothing is recorded. I feel frustrated and engage in unhelpful mental banter about my inability to do the work.

So why do I do these things if I know they are not helpful? I have some thoughts. I’m in a state of constant decision-making (or is it indecision?) because each choice (what DAW, which amp sim, etc.) feels like a high-stakes, irreversible commitment. If I choose wrong, my recordings will sound unprofessional (you know, the recordings I’m not making). This fear of making the wrong choice drains my creative energy.

I keep restarting. Each tool change is a reset. Try a new audio interface, reset. Try a new DAW, reset. Audition a new amp sim, or alter the perfect preset I created yesterday, a reset. Some of these resets are small, some are large, but each is an interruption in the process and may create a new problem. A new DAW means new keyboard shortcuts, new editing tools, etc. New amp sim introduces different input levels, different EQ chain, etc. Sometimes these changes eat up a few minutes. Sometimes they eat up an entire session or more. It’s a constantly changing set of variables that not only introduces problems, but also mental overhead. I need consistency, yet my actions create inconsistency.

And let’s not forget the most important reason. The real reason I’m not finishing songs is that I’m scared. I’m afraid of being vulnerable. I’m afraid that it won’t be good enough. I’m afraid that it won’t live up to my expectations. I’m afraid that the finished product won’t adequately represent my experience. In my mind, with all the experience I have, I should be able to produce a finished product that sounds like all my favorite recordings. It should sound like Aerosmith’s Rocks, Back Sabbath’s Vol. 4, or the Cult’s Electric, but right now, it sounds like a guy who wrote a song and recorded it on his laptop, and that’s hard to live with. And I have to live with it to make progress, at least for a few iterations. Because the only way I get from where I’m at to where I want to be is through repetition. And unfortunately, those first few reps will be uncomfortable. The real question is whether I can push through it. Can I live with the vulnerability and the discomfort? Can I ship it knowing that I can do better someday, but in order to get to that someday, I have to release what I’m capable of today? I guess I’ll find out tomorrow. The solution isn’t the perfect tool. It’s removing the weight of the decision entirely. I’m taking two days off from work to work on a song I’ve been stalled on, and I’m doing it in Logic Pro. That’s not a long-term commitment to Logic, but a commitment to one specific tool, to do one specific job.