I ended last week’s post, The Dichotomy of Habits, with a couple of questions—“What am I doing and why am I doing it?” and “How am I going to fund it?”—referring not to money but to time and energy.
Most days, I face a dilemma—I have multiple things I want to do but limited time and energy to do them. This is especially true on weekdays, when a large chunk of my optimal time and energy is occupied by work. I’m writing this on a Tuesday, and on a typical Tuesday after work, I play guitar from about 4–5 pm, attend the 5:30 pm Muay Thai class, shower, eat dinner, and do my evening routine. Why this order? The Muay Thai decision is easy for two reasons—the class is at 5:30 pm, I can’t change that; the other is that it’s made by an internal filter I’ve been unconsciously using to choose what gets my time and energy.
For me, health is the engine that drives everything. If time and energy are the ultimate resources, sleep, nutrition, and exercise are their fuel. In my mind, without health, nothing is possible. Muay Thai is directly connected to health, so it moves to the top of the list. The “after-health” space is crowded with my passions and relationships.
Passion is where guitar playing lives. It’s where my mind naturally goes. It’s where I get lost. Where time stops, and flow happens. It also requires a lot of mental energy. If I wait until the end of the day to play, it won’t happen. It needs to happen first. Relationships share this space alongside my passions, but it’s an uneasy cohabitation. While I value both equally, the two act like a couple of hungry dogs fighting over a single bowl of food—a slight exaggeration, but I feel like neither is ever satisfied, and trying to satisfy both leaves neither one fulfilled.
Health, passions, and relationships operate within a time and energy constraint directly connected to a long-standing internal struggle I’ve had with work. For as long as I can remember, work has always been a means to an end. That end is money. Without realizing it, I’ve reduced work to something I have to do to make money to support a lifestyle I can only enjoy after my work needs are met.
This creates tension in my life because I also see work as the primary source of the time and energy I lose. I don’t choose to play guitar from 4–5 pm because it’s optimal; I do it because it’s the best time slot among the remaining hours in a given workday. If I had a choice, I’d be playing guitar from 9–11 am, when my energy is at its peak. I don’t have that choice Monday through Friday, so passion and relationships fight for what’s left.
This constant allocation of time and energy is, in itself, exhausting. I feel like I’m constantly evaluating where to spend it. I have to maintain my health, so exercise gets the first chunk. In my mind, it gives back at least a portion of what it takes—I’d have less time and energy if I didn’t maintain my health. Work is a necessity. I need money. I have people I love who depend on me. I’m not going to let them down. The remainder of the time and energy gets parceled out, sometimes by whatever is screaming the loudest in my head—learning or recording a guitar riff that I can’t get out of my head, or simply having a beer outside on a beautiful day enjoying the company of my significant other.
There’s also an internal struggle that goes on daily—am I allocating my time and energy appropriately? I feel selfish when I allocate it to my passions—almost like I’m stealing it from the people I love. I never want someone I love to feel like I’m deciding that playing guitar or creating music is more important than they are. On the flip side, not doing what I love is being untrue to who I am. Most of the time, I feel like I’m not allocating it well; I don’t know how to balance the two, or if there’s even a way to do so. I suspect that there are other pieces of this time and energy puzzle—career alignment as well as core and personal values—that I haven’t quite figured out yet. Tonight, I did the best I could: I played guitar for an hour, went to Muay Thai, showered, ate dinner, meal-prepped, and completed my evening routine. Did I allocate my resources correctly? I don’t know.